Sunday, Jun 25 - 12:17 AM

It amazes me that I had so many answers with so much understanding in the early 80's and only now am I really implementing them. It truly is what Emmanuel said, "Who you are is a necessary step to being who you will be."
At each moment we are at just the right place in the journey. Ramm Dass points out that being with Emmanuel, one comes to appreciate the vast evolutionary context in which our lives are being lived. . . . .

I am thinking that it may have taken so long because of fear of change and fear of loss. We can build a structure of faith of gain vs. fear of loss. If we want to live the high road, we cannot make decisions based on fear of loss, live in fear of loss or do anything else around that emotion or thought pattern.

Back then, I didn't have the work covered and it needed to be done the way I saw it where now there is less responsibility. My perception was it needed to be done that way, but with my consciousness today, it would be done differently.

I did what I had to do to see what I had to see. I created an environment to teach me how to become my own person. There were too many strings pulling at me to go up against them-the culture, the work, the family and the fear of loss. I did hot know about all these things and how to choose for myself.

The way I see it is I did not have the capacity in me to decide for myself. I never could do that from the inside of me I could do it from the outside in but not the inside out. I don't need to know why or how's come. I only need to identify its reality so I can finally move past it. That is where I am today. I know what I want. I know I can accomplish it. It is different because I have now developed internal and external resources.

It is very important that I know that where I am is ok and I go from here to create what I need and want. It's ok. Sometimes I wonder----have I convinced myself yet?


Monday, Jun 26 - 11:39 AM

Danzel said, ďLife has taught me to be the best that I could be." I know that life has a way of teaching us our lessons of truth. Sometimes I get frustrated because when I see the truth, momentarily I wish I could have learned ďthat oneĒ 30 years ago. Of course, I know that in life it just doesnít work that way. So give it up for crying out loud. You have all of eternity to get it right so relax.

I have heard people talk over the years when asked in their later years what they would have changed if they had a chance to do it over again. They almost always said "I wouldnít take life so seriously" and "if I had it to do over again, I would relax more and do less. I would take more time to have more fun."

Taking time to have more fun and not taking things so seriously made such an impression with me so I think since I am young enough to get that one now, why not get it. I have many more years to play more and work less----not a bad decision at this point in the game of life.


Wednesday, Jun 28 - 09:57 PM

Until he passed away, I had a friend named Warren who I never met but he would counsel me over the phone whenever I had a challenge. The conversations we had were quite profound actually.

In revisiting those conversations, I am finding that all the worry in the world gets you to the same place with a lot more struggle wrapped around it if worry is your choice. You can go to the same places without the worry and it makes for an easier trip.

What has been so consistent in my life especially as it relates to what I havenít completed in the things that I have always wanted to doódrop weight, writing ideas I never did, clutter not cleared, indecisiveness with people and things around me, pushing life instead of letting it happen or live it in flow, worrying about money etc. that it is true all the worry in the world gets you to the same place with a lot more struggle.

It is time to let it all go and do once and for all what I came here to do. I am taking quality time to clear out all the past, reconnect with all the good and move life ahead with joy in faith, in flow and every other in-thing to be doing that I can think of.

It is way past time that I do that. What is it that I have been waiting forónot moving into fulfillment? There is no more reason for any more delay. The Karmic Debt is paid. I am no longer obligated to anyone. I am free to go be me---something that I have fought for all my life.

The enduring energy I surrounded myself with kept me in my own prison. The key was always there. I just never used it to open the door. And now. . . . I must open the door, walk through it, and live Joy in total trust and faith!

Hallie Berry did say that tough times donít last. Sounds real good to me.


Friday, Jun 30 - 06:50 AM

Until we learn our lessons of truth, our obvious is not obvious. That is why it is so deceiving. We donít get why we donít get it. An example is my cleaning fetish, trying to wash away the negative energy in my environment. When the negative energy is gone, there is no need for the cleaning fetish. A counselor told me that over 25 years ago even though it took all this time for me to get it. That always amazes me why things can take so long. Someone once said to me that it takes what it takes.

I gotta listen big to the small subtletiesóthe little gnawing things, the little gnats. Sometimes we are not happy because we donít give ourselves permission to live.

It is unbelievable how fast time flies. I am taking care of me in a healthier way for the first time. I have been freed up of the entire emotional load I have carried all my life. I have had good support and reinforcement. I finally am free. It took a long time. I know nothing is too long from spirit and yet my human self sometimes feels it took too long. I know the truth and I know first hand that it does set you free.


Saturday, Jul 1 - 08:27 PM

I still want to figure out what is the basis of my not changing certain things in my life that I know would make things better for me, but I just donít do it. A classic example is my weight issue. I am closer than I have ever been to an understanding, but I still havenít conquered this thing.

And maybe thatís just why I havenít. It is because it is framed in my mind as something to conquer instead of just plain accepting myself the way I am right here and right now. The simple truth could be that all I need to do is just love myself totally unconditionally right here and right now just the way I am.

That almost sounds too simple, but it seems to make a lot of sense to me. As I love myself just the way I am the focus is off what I donít want and on what I do love. Right there in the Law of Cause and Effect alone it stands to reason that whatever the focus is is what I am going to get more of. Hmmmmmmmm! Makes good sense to me.

I know that to be true in everything else around me. I have to wonder why I havenít been able to get it around my weight issue. Thatís another thing. If I reframe it differently in my mind, it does not have to be an issue. Once itís not an issue, itís not an issue. Once itís not an issue, the focus is somewhere else.


Return To Diary Menu




HOME || DIARY || PRODUCTS || EZINE || QUIZ || CONTACT