Sunday, Jul 23 - 07:10 PM

What I am noticing this time of year is that my emotions are like a roller coaster. One minute theyíre up and the next minute theyíre down. Not only are they up and down but they are extreme. It would be nice if they were just rolling along at a moderate change of emotion, but that is not the case.
My gosh, one minute I am on top of the world and the next I am crawling the ground. I sat down and did a self-analysis and came to the conclusion that I am my own worst enemy. I get all hot and bothered about things outside of me that are really not involving me. I am not nosing in other peopleís business. I mean that I get concerned about things that affect my mother, my kids, my friends, some acquaintances and what have you.

When I realize that I canít change that stuff for them and it IS their stuff, not mine, I free up a whole lot of energy units to be free. Once I get that, I am free to worry about my own stuff if I want, but frankly I donít intend to. I know that is easier said than done, but hey I can take a crack at it anyway. Sometimes, I even succeed.

I swear to the powers that be that most of the stuff we worry about never happens anyway. You would think that after all these years I would get that. When I do, I find that things go pretty smooth and when I donít, they donít. Sometimes I have to wonder what the heck takes me so long to get it all straight.

I would like to think that life could be a whole lot simpler. Like how about getting up, eating food, doing your thing-- minding your own business, taking things as they come without all the fuss and going to bed at night and really sleep. That sounds simple enough. I think I am going to try that.


Monday, Jul 24 - 05:43 PM

Life so often can be so complicated that I wonder sometimes what it all means. That must be what it means. It means that everything that is going on is designed to teach me my lessons of truth. I try my level best to learn what I am to learn so I wonít have to experience harder lessons before I get it.

Sometimes I succeed at the learning and sometimes I donít. When I relax more about that, the lessons come easier and I head off another collision at the pass.

Kenneth S. Davis wrote, ďLife truly lived is a risky business, and if one puts up too many fences against risk, one ends by shutting out life itself.Ē I have done a lot of that especially relating to personal relationships and I know I am capable of shutting out a whole lot of feelings.

Sometimes I have to work at feeling feelings, but I surround myself with professionals who can help me do that and I am learning a lot. I am grateful for the learnings because I have noticed a lot of subtle changes in my life. The good news is they are for the better. Life is good!


Tuesday, Jul 25 - 05:56 PM

It saddens me to think about the agony and pain that humanity puts itself through. I have watched me do it to myself. No surprises here.

There is no logic to some of it. That is why it is so hard to understand. I have to think that, in front of most of the bad choices we all make, there is one core concept that shows up more than any other and that has to be low self-esteem.

When I look at my own stuff and the messes I get myself into, just about every time I can remember it was about low self- esteem or fear of loss. Those 2 critters are a royal pain in the butt and so help me I am working on getting rid of them completely out of my life.

They have got to go! "No more!" is my mantra on this. Thatís it! Kerput! Done! Over! Iíve had it!

I feel an accelerated heartbeat on the planet that is pushing us to clean up our act. If we donít, I feel the pain will get greater before it retreats. It is time for a reckoning of our times. I would rather pass the test on this one because the consequences can only be more pain, the way I see it. This is a strong sensing from my soul.

Talking about Soul. . . .something I have never seen before was on the wall of the church and it said "involve yourself in soul esteem". It seems to me as I lower my fear of loss and increase my self esteem and soul esteem, it will serve me very well. And so it is. . . . . . Blessings on my day!


Wednesday, Jul 26 - 06:58 PM

Something is going on with me that is so soulful. I am living outside of thought and time somehow. Nothing concerns me right now except I am aware of things but not so concerned about them.

All my concerns have melted. Maybe it is as simple as answered prayer. I seem to have stripped myself of all concerns and all obligations.

Itís like realizing there is no more fixing things. Some things just are what they are and changing them is not really necessary so there are no more concerns about them, either. If there are no more concerns then there is no more worry because outcomes are what they are. It seems like they are really connected to control. If thereís no need to control anything then there is automatically no need to be concerned. And no need to control brings no concern because it no longer matters.

I have to wonder whatís going on. I am so free. Of all the times I have felt this before, I have never been in this space. I just donít know exactly what it all means. I guess it can wait until another day to find out. . . . . .


Thursday, Jul 27 - 01:37 PM

I think this year was the year that I began to understand that I could actually help people more by not helping them. At first, that was a strange one, but the more I do it, the more practical it becomes.

When youíre in the personal development field like I am, you just want to help everyone you can. In the beginning, it never occurred to me that it is important that ďtheyĒ ask to be helped. I know there have been many times throughout my lifetime that I was giving advice and the person wasnít the least bit interested in what I was saying, but I was the only one who didnít know that.

Listening is an art and when I listen more, I talk less and contribute more. Since contribution is what I really want to do, I am so glad I am getting this now so I don't try to help someone who really doesnít want my help.

When I step in to help when not asked, I can interfere with their own lessons of learning. It takes more wisdom and understanding to know how to do that. Thank goodness I am getting better at it.


Friday, Jul 28 - 03:34 PM

Oh, I am so glad I am safe and happy. The world seems like such a mess right now! I have a whole bunch to be grateful for and I do count my many blessings every day!

One of the biggest blessings that happened this week was that I realized something about my mother that was entirely different than what I thought when I was a kid and even up to right now as an adult. In this case, this revelation was so freeing up, I felt like a whole new person.

I had been told,read and knew that perception is oneís reality, but what if your perception is wrong? Well, thatís what I found out this week and it took me back a notch or two to say the very least.

Having discovered this one idea made me realize how scary it is to think about the possibility of how many other perceptions are erroneous in my life. Well, another day for that one, but on this one, it opened up doors to me that I have never used before.

I have realized for a long time that I was afraid of both my parents. They laid down some pretty strict rules and I was afraid silly I would make a mistake. Once in a while when I messed up, my mother would lose it and the hysteria made me so nervous, I made a decision about that at a very young age and I didnít want to experience that ever again.

The problem with that theory was I carried that fear with me for the rest of my life until last week when I realized she really wasnít THAT upset when she would express her drama trauma. As it turned out, it was just the way she dealt with her frustration about it, whatever the ďitĒ was. I usually thought I messed up so badly and I hated that feeling. Her response made that very clear to me but that was only my perception.

Something so off and now I understand, makes way for a whole different way for me to react to things. I am still kind of taken back by this discovery. I know it doesnít sound like much, but it means the world to me-----the little kid experiencing it clear into adulthood.

I discovered my mother gets on the phone and tells me the things that are going on that are quite upsetting to her and she likes to do this just before she goes to bed so she can sleep better. Well, thatís great for her, but for me, I take it all on and I donít sleep worth 2 cents waking up 3 times a night worrying about her.

One day several months ago we were laughing together about the fact she dumps on me and sleeps like a baby and I am stirred up all night. That should have been my first clue but I missed it. It went right over my head so I had to go on and suffer some more before I got it. Thereís that difference again between intellectualizing and internalizing things.

Well anyway, I take on the nervous wreck syndrome when she tells me about things that are happening in her life that sheís concerned about and when I say just let it go and donít be concerned she would quickly say but Iím not concerned. I kept thinking she is in denial. Then one night, she said it and it was very convincing and I thought what if she really isnít concerned, what then?

That one ďlittle thoughtĒ was a real eye opener, because what if she really wasnít? It was like a 2 x 4 whack on the side of my head, how could I be so stupid; how could I have missed that; how could I have overlooked that reality? Like wham, I realized after all these years of getting all up in turmoil when she was, I realized she wasnít. What was really going on was that was her PROCESS to let it go. As soon as she told me, she was free of it.

I could never figure out why she was so upset because there didnít seem enough to be upset about. Truth was there wasnít. As soon as she voiced it, she had let it go. So, all of a sudden, there was nothing for me to be upset about either. Yippee! I was home free. I realized her drama trauma was not real and if it is not real there is nothing for me to be concerned about either. Yippee again!

As I write this, it doesnít sound like a thimble full of concern and yet it affected my whole life in a negative way. That is amazing to me. . . . .I do have to wonder how many other people are living out fears that arenít real and what others do I have myself that are still unrevealed to me? Hmmmmmmmm. . . . . . Well, I am going to bed and I am going to sleep like a baby.


Saturday, Jul 29 - 07:21 PM

Life is so amazing! I know one thing, when my higher self wants me to learn something I either get slammed with the problem of the century; it sends me the same message from three or more different sources; I get an opportunity to teach someone else something I just learned or everything is so messed up I am completely out of sync and everything else around me builds up its own set of problems to make sure I recognize it.

What I have learned about the build up is it happens when I haven't been willing to let go of something. I mean, after all, being manager of the universe is a hard task to take on and sometimes in the past in particular I have done a great job of that one. AND I paid the price for it in follow-up problems whenever I did.

I am so happy that I don't do that any more because I know all too well, IT JUST DOESN'T WORK!!!! Every once in a while I catch myself starting to micro manage things and just about every time I even think about it, I know I can count on a problem for myself.

Most of the problems I can head off at the pass these days, but every once in a while I trip up and land in the do-do. It really stinks when I do, but I just say to myself, "Hey, you asked for it with your micro-managing, so what do you expect?"

One thing I am refusing to do these days is to make judgment of myself, "Isn't it awful?" Well, no it's not. It is the lousy choices I made leading up to the pain. I do separate my wonderful self from the lousy behavior. They are two different things.

Boy, I wish the whole planet could get that. There would certainly be fewer wars if they did. There would be a lot fewer family battles if they did and on and on. Wow! What a concept!!! I gotta figure out a way to do something for people I care about around that one. That's huge!! And unfortunately, A LOT of people just don't get it!

I am still working on how not to create a crisis to learn my lessons of truth. I believe that is possible, but I know I still have more things to learn about that. I know it, I believe it and I am working on proving it to myself that reality with a deeper understanding. It's coming more and more and I just love it because I am finding it releases the agony and it creates more ecstasy.

I feel like I am on a personal growth spurt here for me which is fun because I love to learn. It seems my higher power is really pounding me with some really good stuff these days. Profound insights that really challenge my thinking is happening to me about every day right now so there is a quickening in my life that is exciting. I am grateful for it. I am blessed and I do appreciate it. I am going with the flow of it because I know resisting anything doesn't help.

Classic example, I told a friend in church yesterday morning that I would be at the meeting that night if I got all my stuff done. Well, I spent five and a half hours sitting on a park bench outside the church talking to a friend about motivating ourselves to do some things we have been putting off forever and we just went with the flow of it.

Two services went by, a meeting went by and the assistant minister was closing all the doors and I asked what time it was. He said it is 5 til 4. I about fell off my chair. I would have guessed about 2:30. That's how engrossed I was. It was a defining day ALL day long!

So much is going on in my head right now, but I need to stop and eat something. It has been almost five hours since any food and I need to stop even though I am on a roll here. Oh, well, time to take a break. See ya later alligator!


Return To Diary Menu




HOME || DIARY || PRODUCTS || EZINE || QUIZ || CONTACT