Sunday, Sep 17 - 02:50 PM

This has been a time of soul searching for me. I am finding that it is time in my life to be my own authority. It is not an easy thing to do when you have given away your power most of your life like I have.
I gave it away to my parents even though I have great parents. They were definitely the boss in my life until I left home to go to college and then they still wanted to influence my decisions because they wanted the best for me (in their opinion) and I don’t think they really trusted my judgment because it was so different from theirs really.

I even gave my power away to a college sorority sister who was a nut case on controlling everything around her because frankly, I know for a fact her mother controlled her every move. She was an only child and that’s how it goes with only children more often than not. I was an only child. I know how that plays out. I know that is not unique to only children, but it does happen often in that situation.

When there are more siblings, the parents don’t have as much time to make sure any one kid gets it all done exactly how they would like to have things done. They are too busy with more than just one kid.

Then I got married and I did the same thing. Then I got into business and I built my whole business around others who were in more control of my future than I was and frankly, that wasn’t a good idea, either.

I realized all this when I was coaching someone today in their work - someone who was also giving their power away, afraid of their future when all the time they were not realizing how very talented they are but really didn’t know it.

Through helping them, I saw my own weakness in not claiming my own power to take charge of my life rather than fall victim to other people’s opinions and influence over me. I realize I am not unique to this malady, but I do know that awareness is the first step to changing the trend that has been in my life for many years.

It is wonderful to get these kinds of insights that can make such a difference in my life. For all of this awareness, I am truly grateful - I will put the past in the past and move on.

As I have said so many times before, I will not focus on the sand in the bottom part of the hour glass, the past, but will focus on the sand going through the middle, being present to the moment. I know I can do this and So It Is!


Monday, Sep 18 - 06:19 PM

I am being reminded all over the place what I am good at. I am realizing that it is easy to forget our own greatness if we let our self-esteem hit the bottom of the valley. I find that it is not easy to live in the busyness of the planet today and there are so many things that can derail us if we let them do it.

I am reminded again that it is important to keep our focus and our intention very clear and keep our attention on those things. We can be distracted so easily. That is what I allowed to happen to me many times over the years.

I could sit here and think of a hundred reasons why that would be true and I am not convinced that is the best use of my time. I used to like to figure out all those wonderful things, but right now I think it is more important to just be quiet about the whole darn thing and NOT THINK!!

I spend more time with a “quiet mind” than I used to do. It does make a difference. What I am finding in the silence is more valuable information is coming from my core and it is such powerful information that it is making a major difference in my life’s decision-making.

I am getting so good at it that I have noticed things are more in flow than usual and I am less frustrated about various things going on in my life. It is a good thing---a very good thing. All is well and so it is.


Tuesday, Sep 19 - 08:34 PM

I am getting a sense of "coming back home" by connecting with my community that I have been disconnected from really since a less than perfect marriage many years ago. I think I was so afraid I really didn’t want to chance getting too connected to humanity or I could get hurt again.

Well, guess what, kid - it no longer matters! How about those apples? Boy, so many years have gone by for me to be too scared to get hurt again and just that one thing alone kept me from venturing out. Thank goodness I am young enough to reach out to my community now and have fun again in my life, which I so richly deserve. Yeah, sure, sounds great to me!!

This feels real good for me for several reasons. One of those reasons is that it is awesome because this time I am living my life for “me” instead of living my life for others outside of me. Whew! What a difference a day makes!!

This is all about a new awareness for me today, on something I did know at one time in my life and managed to forget. I have to wonder why we as humans do that. Well, right now, it doesn’t matter. For right now, it doesn’t matter the "why". In fact, the "why" probably doesn’t matter unless you can learn something from it that will move your life ahead.

Right now, all I need to know is my reality IS moving my life ahead. For all of this, I am so grateful.


Wednesday, Sep 20 - 04:49 PM

I had to bring clarity to my own being. I just couldn’t quite get there, but I am getting there now. Thank goodness for small favors! Life can be so confusing sometimes, it never ceases to amaze me. Sometimes I am so befuddled that I don’t know whether I am coming or going. :-)

I think that happens because it is all part of my learning. We are here to learn certain lessons of truth. When we learn some of the natural principles that exit in our universe, I think things are easier.

The key here is for me to remember when I think I got it, that’s when I will be sent a teacher to give me the opportunity to find out if I really did get it. In other words, I think I have it and then I’m tested to be sure it is truly deep in my being.

Funny thing, the universe; it has its own checks and balances and it seems like it is always checking and balancing. That’s ok by me, but sometimes it gets to be a challenge and more often than not I could do well without all the drama I am capable of creating.

I find that when I am in the flow with life, in sync with it, I experience things with less effort. I like less effort. That too is ok by me.

I feel like it is such a privilege to have understanding. Life is good and that is ok by me too!


Thursday, Sep 21 - 05:32 PM

Life is fun for me because I am listening more to it. I get quiet more often and just listen to the messages from my Inner Knower, which I often call my Higher Power. If I am still into my mind a lot and have a lot of busy mind traffic, I will put on the soft healing music and let that stimulate my right brain.

I find myself going into alpha state and getting answers straight from my source when I get quiet enough to hear. This is really special for me because it is working more and more. I know as I continue to make this my spiritual practice, I will get better at it.

Life is good and it’s up to me to make it good and keep it good. I am glad I am a person who stays out of judgment and comparisons as best I can. I grew up in a fear of loss and making mistakes consciousness and I continue to work on eliminating all of that from my consciousness.

Unfortunately, we are creatures of habit. We human beings do a lot of doings to compensate for our poverty consciousness. I think I was over 35 before I figured out that working hard was not necessarily honorable.

I realized I was taught if you don’t work hard and earn it you don’t deserve it and that kind of thinking is a poverty rather than an abundant consciousness according to Shakti Gawain in her book Creative Visualization.

I realize now that we live in a world of abundance and my job is to tap into that consciousness and stay there. That can make things happen with ease rather than all out hard labor.

Most of the time I do pretty good, but once in a while I slip back to my own cultural conditioning which is just fine especially when I am aware of it because I can right away change it. It’s the times that I might not be aware of it that gets me into the soup.

So, I just keep being my own observer to this life I am leading watching me live it so I can be more aware of what is really going on. That works for me and for that I am grateful.


Friday, Sep 22 - 06:40 PM

I love the holidays. I get to be in a meditative state of life with guiding music. Life is so precious no matter where I am in my journey. There is something about the music. There is something about the tranquility in the space. It all creates the wonderment of life.

It is a journey of experiences that is the core of my learning. I often have to wonder why we as human beings are so concerned about the mistakes we make when they are the cornerstone of our growth. It is still puzzling to me even after I understand it. It is truly a wonderment in itself.

It is fun for me to reflect on these things because on a scale of 1 to a 100, I have experienced all levels of small to huge mistakes and worrying and fretting about them as well as not worrying about them at all.

It must be that Shakespeare knew more than the rest of us. He said ultimately nothing matters. When I understand the magnitude of that, life takes on a whole new meaning. It is amazing to me the perceptions we have, the off ones as well as the on ones. I have experienced them both ways that's for sure.

Our perceptions so much guide us in our life and our behaviors that for the bright human beings that we are destined to be, for the life of me, I am just not too sure how we can mess it up so magnificently.

Story after story in either my life, the lives of family members, the lives of friends and business associates or their friends and family through it all, it is all about learning and sometimes we’re on the mark and other times we’re not. It’s when we’re not, it feels like we’re about ready for another one of life’s lessons.

I find that when things are really messed up, it is my queue to know that I am about ready to learn another one of my life's lessons that my Higher Self really wants me to learn. Keeping that in mind, it keeps me from shifting back to my busy mind that would worry about such things. No more; we're moving on! It feels good to have a better handle around that now in my life. And so it is and that "is" is what I am grateful for. Yippee!!


Saturday, Sep 23 - 08:55 PM

I know during periods of times for me when the challenges seem to be building up, seem to be going off charts in the “not feeling so good department” adding to it major thoughts about life in general, am I doing what my Higher Power intended, how can it all be done better and simply wondering about far too many things--building up with ideas of wishes on how things could have, might have been different etc. It turns into a huge plateau of going nowhere fast and there I am wondering about everything.

When the plateau keeps going on and the frustration keeps building, at one point the intensity brings with it for me the delight in knowing that I am on the brink of a grand awakening of the a-ha’s that will come in and close the gap of frustration.

I notice that when I am “just noticing” my life that I am the observer observing this person called me doing all these wonderful and sometimes stupid things that are grand and terrible all at the same time. It creates quite a pile of confusion and uncertainty at the same time some hopeful dreams being defined and integrated in my existing life.

The ups and downs and the going around the bushes trying hard to make ANY sense of this thing called life is just fascinating to me. The fact is as long as I can remain in fascination, then I know I am learning what I came here to learn. With that knowledge, it’s like it doesn’t matter much what all is going wrong because what comes out the other end of it all is pretty incredible.

The cynics will say that’s a lot of hot air and they be right--------- for them, but what about me? The eternal optimists are thinking, this is wonderful, I’d like to have more of that. The pragmatic people are saying, “Oh, my God, give me a break!”

I just know what they’re thinking and on and on with the different opinions, behaviors, judgments and the value judging that is constantly all around all of us.

They are all doing it to us and we are doing it to them so what’s all the fuss about? Everybody is value-judging everybody along their path of life so what do we do with that? The smart ones go on to live their lives according to their dominant needs and live life full out, with joy, peace, harmony and take pride in not worrying for one moment what another thinks. I see it as a lot of wasted energy to worry about things like that. I know this because I have done it myself and it's amazing to me how much time and energy is tied up in that kind of behavior.

I want to live my life the best I can, listen to feedback and make the necessary corrections along the way without worrying at all about what people think. Feedback is good but worry is not necessary. I want to continue learning as best I can and let go of the things that didn't work. It just seems to me like that is a healthy way to live. Sometimes it's hard to do that, but I know it can be done.


Return To Diary Menu




HOME || DIARY || PRODUCTS || EZINE || QUIZ || CONTACT