Sunday, Oct 15 - 11:33 AM
Who was it that said life is like a bowl of cherries? Are they nuts? My life is not a bowl of cherries! It is full of kids having problems, parents having problems, friends having problems and even dying. I just lost my best friend from college and it is a time of a lot of grieving--not fun!
Thinking about all these things, makes me sad, angry and really ticked off! I just plain don't like it and would like for it to all go away.
I remember when life was so simple and it isn't very simple any more and I don't like that either!
Whew! Somehow that felt good to complain a little and just plain vent. Sometimes I know if I vent for a while or write out what I don't like about something, all of a sudden it is no longer as big a problem as it originally felt like.
Diaries are a good place to do that so to you my daily diary, "Thank you for Listening!"
In fact, I know it all could be worse and for that I am grateful and I will work everything out on all the rest of it eventually. I have faith in me to do that. I know it has a lot to do with my life's lessons. Yeah, yeah, I know. I am suppose to be patient! Well, why. . . . . . . . .?
Monday, Oct 16 - 09:10 PM
I have decided it is time to lighten up on me! I am capable of being too hard on me, create my own struggles and get in my own way because I don't listen to the incredible power I have within me.
Sometimes I am listening and sometimes I'm not. I am going to give more thought to this and do whatever I can to listen better. I know the answers are there for me when I do that and I also know that when I don't listen, it is really easy to bring more struggle into my life that really isn't necessary.
I think I have done that because it was a habit pattern I grew up with as a kid and instead of really growing up, so to speak, I just kept doing it.
Well, I have decided it's time to grow up now and listen to me within me and start living my life more for me instead of listening to the outside forces around me that I have allowed too many times in a life time to dictate to me what I am to be doing.
I know it's time to be done with that. All I have to do now is decide not to do it anymore and stick with it. I know I can do that. I think I will just gift "Me" to "Me" now and that ought to just about do it. It looks to me like I am the only one getting in my way now to live free and in balance.
So there it is; I've said it and I intend to keep living in it and so it is. :-)
Wednesday, Oct 18 - 12:06 AM
I look at my to do list and I love my life! It took a while to get here, but I can handle that! :-) I know now I deserve it and can accept it.
I am increasing my capacity to receive more magnificence. I am the only thing that was getting in my way. It just took me a few years to figure out how to change that. But the fact is, I did change it and for that I will be eternally grateful.
It was a lot of hard work, but because I was open, receptive, being objective, listening to my inner guidance and paid experts to show me the way, I did get there. And now I know life is an on-going journey of learning with many experiences all designed to help me grow more. I am looking forward to where my next adventure in life and its intricacies will take me.
And to think I thought I was free before. I know everything is relative which means I would bet I have more freedom to look forward to as well. And so it is.
Wednesday, Oct 18 - 08:13 PM
I am finally thinking well enough of myself to be doing the RIGHT things for ME!!! It's a Me! Me! Me! thing. My patterns in the past were about looking outside myself for the right answers. A lot of that came from my childhood with my parents being in charge of my life. They told me what to do and for some reason I didn't ask why.
The reason? Fear of course!
It just took me longer than most to snap out of that "others running my life" mode. I don't totally understand why, but I know it has to do with more about me than my parents as I believe is usually the case.
It's called STOP blaming your parents and START taking personal responsibility for MY stuff.
Two things here that are important to me:
1) To remember that Werner Erhart of the EST infamy days always said ask Why? and you get the booby prize. Well, with low self-esteem, I ended up with the booby prize more than I would have liked to, but I have since learned how not to do that.
2) Me allowing me to be my own priority is a wonderful thing. I am glad I learned it when I did. I am enjoying life more getting more done for me where it counts.
All these things are not just about me. I have always enjoyed contributing to others as well. With this changed mindset, I can contribute more.
I like it--feels good.
Thursday, Oct 19 - 10:21 PM
It amazes me sometimes of how critical I can be of myself or how much I am capable of worrying about what others think when I do something ridiculous that just doesn't quite make sense.
I know the logical things, like as long as we're living and breathing we're not always going to get it right, but sometimes that isn't enough to take away the empty feeling of doing less than my best.
My Inner Critic is sitting there waiting to make judgment of me. I have decided that I am going to love and nurture that part of me so it knows how to be more loving and nurturing. I don't need the random Inner Critic anymore. I have listened to her far too many times in my whole lifetime to serve 3 lifetimes. So, that has got to stop right now.
My Inner Self will tell me when I need to do something different without judgment so that is the route I intend to go from now on. I am grateful for this understanding. It's taken a while for me to get it, but the important thing is that I do get it. So, that's ok with me. Life goes on and gets better as I continue to understand more.
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