Sunday, May 14 - 02:18 AM
Boy oh Boy! When it rains it pours. These last 3 weeks were salt and peppered with barriers. Honestly, I would get one thing straightened out and then along comes another royal pain in the butt.
You know, I remember the training I did about working with people and I started out by asking the question, "Have you ever had a problem with another person?" Of course everybody laughed. Then I said, "I wouldn’t have any problems if I didn’t have to work with people. Of course how would you ever get anything done if it weren’t for other people. I went on from there to explain that people are all different and being different does not = wrong. Different = different! Once we get that, we can get out of judgment more and understanding starts taking place and the conflict goes down.
That all makes sense until you run into that person who is overextended in her behavior. You know what I mean? It’s like I hired ‘em because they were dominating and took charge, but I had to let them go because they were too domineering. Or better yet, I hired him because he was very articulate, but I had to let him go because he talked all the time and didn’t get any work done.
So, anyway, there it was that overextended person in my face and I found myself in an argument. I hate arguments. It’s something I don’t do any more, but facts are facts. There I was in the middle of the thick of things. What was going on was related to fear, tired, fear of loss, fear of being taken advantage of and on an on. I don’t even want to think about it. All I know is I want it to go away. It can ruin a week end. I have enough of those deals too. I don’t do that any more either, but there I was doing it.
What is it about human beings that set themselves up to suffer? Well, if I ever figure that out, I’ll let me know. For God’s sake, get with the program and figure it out will ya!! I’m tired of all this crap. Just plain ol’ tired of it.
That reminds me of another thing my friend, Pamela, always told me. She said when the pain gets great enough, you’ll be willing to change. Well, I must be ready to change because this is more pain than I am really interested in. That’s for sure!
Ok, going back to the person in my face. Let’s write this down so maybe I can understand it. There it is again, God. Thanks A LOT for the paradox. It is evident to me that Carolyn Myss is right, the Angels play dirty :-) and I say God throws around paradoxes like confetti for us to learn by.
I can’t explain it right now, but I think I have had a tough time over the last 3 weeks because my ego was more in charge of me than I was. Now how in the world is that possible? Well, you don’t expect me to understand that do you? That just came out of my head. Now, I am going to have to figure that one out. Darn, I wish this here thing called life were a little easier. Sometimes it really gets hard to deal with.
I have friends all over the place having troubles. One is dying, or at least she thinks she is but is holding the faith and we’re standing by her. Another one has a son who has some serious brain epileptic problems that may or may not be operable.
One marriage is on the brink of breaking up over the lack of understanding the victim, rescue cycle thing along with a few other Psy 101 lessons, some things that I understand better now than I use to. Of course life is going to teach you whether you are interested in learning or not.
Another friend doesn’t have $5.00 in the bank to buy gas for the car. Life is not without its problems.
I honestly think that is one of my biggest motivations because I have learned the hard way that if I will just listen to that little voice from within and apply what I learned early on, then I don’t have to go through more suffering to get it later. I know we’ve got all of eternity to get it right. And we are going to get it right come hell or hot water. We might as well get it early by making a concerted effort to learn what it is the universe is trying to teach us or we’ll keep attracting the same energy to us to get it until we do get it.
It’s like we’re all dealing with the same energy; we just have different projects. That is just a friendly reminder that while we thing our junk going on is so unique and we think or say, "You won’t believe what he/she did now!" Or " If you had to go through what I had to go through, you wouldn't be happy either."
Oh, bummer! Where did that come from? I must be on a roll with insights today. You mean I am responsible for this mess? And there are simple explanations for all of it and it isn’t as horrible as I am making it out to be. This is not truly something to do drama/trauma over. It is just ordinary Psyc 101 stuff?
That really ticks me off a little bit because it makes me feel that you don’t understand what I am going through and life isn’t fair either. Now, don’t tell me. I don’t want to hear it! Life has never been fair. All right already so life isn’t fair. So, what the heck do you expect me to do about it. Ok, ok, I’ll think about it! #$%^&*@#$. I am really tired of all this crap.
Another friend doesn’t have next month's mortgage payments. Honestly, life is not without its problems.
It is down right depressing but I am NOT going to let it get me down. I am going to care for everyone I can with the resources I have to offer and I MUST stay detached in order for it to not bog me down.
It’s like you see someone out there in the quick sand you can jump right in there with em’ and sympathize with them or you can throw him a large tree limb with empathy and pull them in if they want to grab hold and make the effort to come in. If they don’t want to come in, I’ll be darn if I am going to go down in that sink hole with them.
I have been in enough sink holes in my life and that is worse than a pain in the butt because it is all sticky and gooey and it hangs on all over you. I know people like that. You get into one sticky situation after another. I am determined to pay attention to life so I can see it coming before it hits me like a two by four.
That reminds me that for several years, I was so good at stepping in the do- do with people, I went out and bought a two by four and sat it in my home office as a friendly reminder to stay sharp so I would stay out of the stickies with people. I would tell my friends that if I get out of line again, I was going to call them up and have them come over and whack me on the side of the head to wake me up. The vision of that kept me out of trouble most of the time.
The trouble is I step 3 steps forward and 2 steps backward sometimes in my growth on things. That’s when many people want to give up, but I don’t think we ever have to give up as long as things are moving.
A couple weeks ago, I said to my nutritionist that I was sick and tired of weighing 187 pounds. Day in day out; week in and week out I would weigh 187 pounds and I was really doing all the right things.
I was walking 4-5 times a week, I dropped the carbs, no more diet pop, threw all the dairy away and stayed away from wheat and gluten just to name a few. The fact was what was weeks turned into months and when closing in on a year, I had to ask what’s wrong with this picture?
With that my Hellerwork technician asked me, "Well, are things moving forward in your life.?" I said, "Oh, yeah! For sure!" She asked, "Then what’s the problem?" "Well, I guess when you put it that way, there is none. Things are moving forward and that is progress."
I can’t explain it, but that was a powerful concept for me to grasp after all these years of making the effort to lose weight. It was one of those Minor points---major differences. It was a small thing but made all the difference in the world.
Also, they taught me to release and not lose it. Our language does make a difference because our subconscious mind doesn’t know the difference. Boy, that’s scary. Again, I had better be paying attention.
So, finally, I was reminded to have desires, goals and wants, but be detached to the outcome. I have learned first hand this week that when I get myself out of the way, that the universe has a chance to help me out.
What’s the universe? To me the universe is every resource, everywhere that comes to my rescue because I am putting the right causes in motion which includes how I think about everything ALL the time and the effects show up to support what I want.
I learned about the Law of Cause and Effect a long time ago. One thing I know is that is it always in effect whether we understand it or pay attention to it or not.
These last 2 weeks, I finally moved the weight off dead center. I am proud of myself because the scales finally no longer meant anything. That is no longer the criteria for my accomplishments in that department. I have since learned that as long as different aspects in my life are moving, that is certainly good enough and is progress in motion. That is fine with me. I think I am just going to go with that in some other things in my life and see how that goes. Yep, makes good sense to me. What do you think, diary, are you with me?
Monday, May 15 - 01:11 PM
Listening to the Christmas music on the Christmas channel brings back all kinds of memories. As I ponder these memories,it makes me realize the richness of life that we can experience when we live in a state of gratitude instead of a state of aggravation. I know the distinction between these two states of mind is really a matter of thinking. That matter of thinking is always up to us.
Right now, I am in a place where I have stepped out of the busy cycle of normal everyday life and have been on a mission of helping people I care about. Helping people you care about is an art. You can through good intentions do more harm than good if you are pushing for your idea of help instead of being asked by them for your help. At least this time I was asked, and it still has not been easy.
That reminds me that Jesus was a guy who never did a healing on people unless he was asked. I remember too when I was certified in Reiki Healing and was told the story of John who was healed, but the Master Healer, as he was going through the slums ran into John who was parked on the street curb and looked just awful.
The Master Healer asked John, "What in the world are you doing here, John? You were healed. What happened to you?" John looked terrible and was very sick. John looked up at the Master and said, "But Master, I never asked to be healed."
Right then and there, the Master Healer of 7 years never went into a healing of a person again unless the person asked to be healed. Seven years---seems like a long time not to get it quite right and yet that is often what it takes to learn the intended lesson of truth. It is a process. The process is the happening, the learning from the happening, making a different decision in the future and applying that changed decision.
That is what the Master Healer had to learn. I am being reminded not to put my 2 cents worth in unless being asked first. I know sometimes I do that very well and sometimes I don’t. I guess that means that I still have a lot to learn.
Well, that’s a given because I believe that is a truth until the day we die or we wouldn’t be here on this earth plane that we exist on. I am convinced of one thing with no question. We are here in earth school for the purpose to learn our lessons of truth. And earth school is not easy.
Tuesday, May 16 - 08:03 PM
Sometimes, for the life of me, those lessons of truth are so painful I can sit down and cry and the pain remains until I come to some kind of understanding. I have never understood why life ends up being so painful sometimes.
Is there really truth to that old saying, “no pain—no gain?” Personally, I think that is a bunch of crap. I believe that if we really make a concerted effort, we can learn the lesson in front of the pain then we can avoid the pain. What do you think? I think so.
Unfortunately, I have done it both ways. I think the key here is that the more we resist something, the more pain there is to experience. If that is true, it seems logical to me that if we learn to let things go, there is less resistance and with less resistance, there is less pain. I have experienced it both ways. Sometimes I resist all over the place and I am miserable.
Then sometimes, I can let it all go and I am free of the pain. So, having concluded that, I am finding myself walking through right now looking at all happenings, good, bad or indifferent as simply happenings.
When they are going wrong and feel rotten, I ask myself, what am I to learn from this experience and something from somewhere gives me the answer. I am pretty well convinced now that everything that is going on in our lives is about us learning our lessons of truth.
Wednesday, May 17 - 10:56 PM
Sometimes we pass the test of the experience and we flow through it without any problems at all. Then other times, we are hurting all over the place. I just keep asking myself what lesson am I to learn from this experience? In the asking, the answer has to come from some place and as it does, it makes the whole experience feel better.
I am very much aware that this is the ideal but the ideal is not always happening for me. In the last two weeks, I have been on a mission to help some people I care a lot about. I was committed and was committed with a high intensity of focus.
I was so committed that I forgot to pay my rent on the west coast and by the time I woke up to that fact, I had to send checks mail express to avoid a $147.50 penalty. I avoided the penalty, but wouldn’t it have been nice if I would have not had to pay the $13.50 postage. I guess that was my investment to learn once again paying attention to life really does pay off.
I forgot to forward my mail and by the time I figured it out, I was getting my mail 2 weeks late with all kinds of bills with deadlines and some checks that were just sitting going nowhere. I am not really an incompetent and yet, I let this happen. So, what the heck is going on?
I took 3 steps back and realized I cared so much about the people I was trying to help that I wasn’t always taking care ofmyself. I know that many people do the very same thing, but is that smart? Is that really optimally contributing? I don’t think so. It seems to me that if we have enough sense to take care of ourselves first, there might be more of ourselves available to help more.
So, again, was I really paying attention to life? In a way, yes, I was, but in a way no. On top of that, I ended up with a cough, a sore throat, a congested bronchial, and found my body fighting real hard to deal with the elements just described. Because I hardly ever get sick, that got my attention and I asked myself again, “What the heck are you doing, and why are you doing it?
Well, that is what I am still trying to figure out and I think I am going to let it go for another day. I need to get in touch with this because I know I haven’t conquered it, or I wouldn’t still be under the weather and the fact is, I am. Another day. . . . Another day. .
I have to believe I am in another process. And that process IS moving forward. . . .We’ll see. We’ll see. Goodnight, Diary! I so love life, but sometimes it does not always feel good. Hmmmmmmm!
Thursday, May 18 - 11:16 AM
I just don’t like drama trauma. No matter how you look at it,I don’t like it. I watch it in others---I don’t like that. If I ever see it in myself, I don’t like that. I guess I could simply conclude that I don’t like it anywhere in front of my face.
I have spent 3 weeks helping 2 families and 2 people have ahabit of doing drama trauma. One goes off the deep end into drama trauma at the drop of a hat. It’s like you are walking around on eggshells to be sure you aren’t the one causing it.
I have observed it is such a part of a habit pattern in their life, it has become the norm. That norm, I would not want in my life and yet there it is. It is like the tiniest thing can set them off and they are off running in the drama trauma scene again. My choice would be to exit and not be in their space. However, when it is someone you care about and family to boot, that is a little harder to do.
So, I guess I have a dilemma here and need to decide what I am going to do about it. I do remember reading a book written by Raymond Barker on The Science of Forgiveness. It is a good little book because it gives some advice that might help me a little bit about how to deal with this situation.
He said that what other people do to you is none of your business, but that your reaction to what they do to you is your business and that reaction is up to you. You do have choice. I think that means that I can react to the drama trauma or choose not to. Well, that sounds simple enough. I know that sounds simple enough and I know it is easier to do when the drama trauma is not pointed to me.
I still have to say that the whole thing drives me crazy, so I have some work to do here on this one. I just don’t like drama trauma. I never have and I don’t know that I ever will. I am going to have to work on this one some more because I am just not around on it yet to say the least.
I didn’t any more than leave the first one to run right into another one. This one is a little different because the split second that something goes wrong, and that wrong can be absolutely nothing or everything depending on perception, the immediate reaction is to cry. I just don’t like that either. For me it is 99% absolutely nothing, but for the other love done that I deal with here it is everything.
I think I need to realize this has been their reaction to things for as long as I have known them so I doubt very much that a change is in the offing. In fact, you can count on it. I would almost give anything if that were not true.
This brings up another interesting point. I am a solution-oriented person and I think I always have been. So, when something happens, I automatically go into a fix it mode. The trouble with fix it modes is that they don’t work either. I automatically start making suggestions on how the other person might want to change their behavior and I find that they are not any more interested in my advice than I would be in their advice to me. So, there you have it, “Aced again!” It’s like you can’t win in either direction you go. I don’t like the circumstances, but I can’t really change them either.
I can choose to not put myself in that environment; I can choose not to react no matter what they do; I can choose to react and cause trouble and I can choose to advise and cause more trouble.
Bummer! It’s a bummer no matter which way you look at it. I really don’t like this. I really don’t like this at all. It is like you can’t win for losin’!
Saturday, May 20 - 09:20 PM
I am finally coming to the conclusion when I push myself back into these corners that there must be a lesson in here somewhere for me to learn. My God, do we EVER get done with the lessons. Frankly, I am getting a little tired of them too. I could do without one more lesson right now.
I turn in this direction and there’s a lesson. I turn in another direction and there’s a lesson. I go in the opposite direction and there’s a lesson. Do they ever stop? I have pretty much concluded that they won’t stop until we die and then do they really stop? Probably not when you get right down to it.
One thing I know, I just spent 3 weeks helping others away from my own safe at home environment and it is not easy to do that. In fact, sometimes I am doing ok in it and other times I am really suffering.
What I mean by suffering here is that I have my own issues and at home without the interferences, I can get on top of my stuff I need to work on and I can work on it. I work on my shadow side. However, when I am in these other complicated environments, sometimes my personal growth program just falls apart.
Just like this trip: I started drinking Coke again----bad, bad, bad, stuff for me. I started eating sandwiches with wheat in them. Being allergic to wheat, this is not a good idea and yet I do it. I have to wonder why we as human beings keep doing the things that do not serve us and we know we’re doing it.
I remember so well in the movie the Thornbirds. At the end of the movie, Richard Chamberlain said, "We are so much like the Thornbirds. They end their life by sticking a thorn in their breast. They know they are going to die, but they keep doing it." It is the same with us. We know we are costing us a high price in the choices we make and yet we do it anyway. He emphasized we know we are doing it and yet we still keep doing it.
All I can conclude is that we keep doing that because we haven’t learned our lesson of truth around that at the present time. It’s like if we had learned our lesson of truth we wouldn’t keep doing it. The fact we do must mean we haven’t learned yet what we are to learn.
When I drink coke and eat wheat, I know what that does to my body and yet I still do it . I can more easily handle it if I am alone in my space, but put me in the way of other people’s problems, I just don’t do that very well at all. There is definitely some more work to be done here on this. So be it.
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